Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
