I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
