I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
