I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
