i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
