glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
