Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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