did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
