Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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