Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
