I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
we're so committed to being not committed
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
