you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
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I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
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My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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