I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
