He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
