he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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