if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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