Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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