Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
