I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
