he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I have tasted many bathrooms
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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