3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
