I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If I die, sorry about rent.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
