my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
