Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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