My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
