she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
