if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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