The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
