You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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