i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Randomize
