That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
