There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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