I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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