Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
