Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
