I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
accomplished twins. life is a go
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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