I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
