Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Randomize
