Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
