Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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