So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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