I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
People in love make me want to vomit
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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