My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
