youre lurking in front of me
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
