im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
