Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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