Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
