My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
