I smell stomach acid.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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