Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
