I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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