Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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