My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
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