Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
