last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
