my computer doesn't work...
i puked on it last night
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
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i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
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All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.