You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.