saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Randomize
