the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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