I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
