I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
