the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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