Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
