I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
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Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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