i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
